Til Death Do Us Part
by YAXON
Summary: Madara didn't know how, and he didn't want to know why, but somewhere along the line his ingenious plan went horribly wrong... Or at the very least developed an unwanted side effect. For better or for worse, Madara has a companion that will never go away, and he goes by the name of Hashirama Senju. First attempt at crackfic. No pairings. Updated irregularly, small chapters.
1. Chapter 1

It had all started… with an ingenious plan.

Well, more precisely, _Madara_ thought it had been ingenious, at the time. Really, who would've thought that a stone tablet could yield such insight? It was brilliant! To be unstoppable, all Madara had to do was add the Senju power onto himself. And to think, he'd wasted time and effort attacking the Leaf again and again just to triumph over Hashirama. All that effort ended in failure. All this time, all he had to do was take a chunk of Hashirama and consume it. Only a _genius_ could have divined such an interpretation from the Uchiha Stone Tablet.

Yes, Madara patted himself on the back for a good long while after he had consumed a chunk of Hashirama's arm. He was that genius that appeared once every century or so. No doubt about it. When he saw that insufferable Hashirama once again, he would finally dish out the fool's just desserts.

That was the plan. But then things went down the crapper. You see, what most people don't realize about Chakra is that it is the essence of a person's spirit. And while Madara had only taken a very, very tiny chunk from Hashirama's vast reserves, he had still taken a portion of the man's spirit. Normally that wouldn't be a bad thing; the Chakra, if left lying around, would dissipate after a while, the spirit would eventually return to its original host body, and everyone could go their merry way.

But Madara _ate_ Hashirama's Chakra. It was slowly being absorbed into Madara's impressive reserves, slowly becoming indistinguishable from Madara's own. That made for an interesting little side effect that Madara had never anticipated or desired. Put simply… the proud Uchiha now had to endure a lifelong companion. One that would never go away. _Ever_.

"Maaadaraaa…"

Madara squeezed his eyes shut tightly, wiling the voice to go away.

"Maaadaraaa…"

Why? Why did he have to eat that chunk of meat?

"Maaadaraaa…"

It was well past the time to get up. But now with each passing morning, getting up meant seeing _him_. And the sad part was that _he_ moved wherever he pleased. Which was usually in Madara's line of sight.

"Get up, Mads! I know you can hear me. It's time to continue planning out our Infinity Moons plan!"

Madara gritted his teeth together and squeezed his eyes shut tighter.

"For the last time, it's _Project Tsukuyomi_!" Madara's right hand flew to his mouth as he tried and failed to contain that exclamation.

Dear kami, why did he _answer him_? Now he'd be ten times worse.

"Yeah, I know. But you won't acknowledge me if I call your plan by its 'proper title'. You normally just go about your day without saying two words to me! That really hurts, Mads."

Madara's eyes slowly opened and he began to twitch violently. Hovering over him was the smiling figure of his former best friend. Hashirama Senju. It wasn't the real Hashirama Senju, no… No, the real Hashirama was in the village they created together by joining the Senju and Uchiha Clans. _This_ Hashirama was an unfortunate side effect of his brilliant plan to bring about everlasting peace. He hadn't even awakened the Rinnegan for all the trouble that Hashirama had been giving him for weeks now.

Foolish lying tablet. He would destroy that worthless slab at a later date. He was still recuperating from the injuries incurred from his last battle with the _real_ Hashirama. At least his recovery rate had exponentially improved. That was one good thing that came from his disastrous idea.

"So I've been thinking…" Hashirama began as Madara stretched his joints and got up from his rather simple bed. "You do have a point about that backstabbing village you helped create. They're a bunch of bastards, the whole lot of 'em. Especially Tobs. I mean, he killed Izuna! And he was totally ready to finish you off when I kicked your ass! Nobody steals my kills. Nobody."

Madara rolled his eyes as Hashirama went off into a tangent. Not that he was listening to what Hashirama had to say. Nope.

"Don't give me that look!" Hashirama whined. "If we're being honest with each other, I think you're affecting me as much as I'm affecting you. That's why I'm okay with you wiping the village off the map; they'll still be in our wonderful dream!"

Madara snorted. Right. The Infinite Tsukuyomi. That's what he had to concentrate on right now. Not Hashirama. … How was he going to cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi without the Rinnegan? The whole plan hinged on him possessing two Rinnegan. The flower would not bloom without two Rinnegan, damn it!

Well, that and he kind of needed all nine Tailed Beasts to come together again to form the Ten-Tails. Without them there'd be no flower period. He'd had the Nine-Tails for a short while, but then he lost it to Hashirama…

"Don't glare at me that way, mister! Glare #53, the 'this-is-all-your-fault' glare. I can hear those gears churning away in there. I can hear your every thought!"

… How was he going to track down the other eight Tailed Beasts? Sure, he was well aware that Hashirama had _sold_ most of those Chakra constructs to the other nations, that bastard Tobirama's idea and all that, but that was a far cry from knowing their precise locations. He absolutely needed those beasts.

"Why not start with the Hidden Leaf? Burn it to the ground while you're at it? You could totally smash it to pieces with your Perfect Susano'o!"

No, the Nine-Tails needed to be captured last of all. According to that worthless tablet anyway. But he needed the storage vessel for the Tailed Beasts as well, or else capturing them all would be meaningless. Best to leave the Nine-Tails in a safe place until it was time to retrieve it.

"Are you suuure that's the only reason you're leaving it for the 'time being'?" The spectral form of Hashirama wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Madara repressed the fact that Hashirama ever used that tone of voice, amongst the other numerous hellacious things he'd suffered through the last forty three days, twenty two hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty seven seconds because of Hashirama. This was all Hashirama's fault. He _never_ kept time like that. Especially when he was holed up in a cave like he was.

Right. Back to the Tailed Beasts. He would need to journey to the other Hidden Villages to confirm their locations. Quite the herculean task for one man, but he was Madara Uchiha. The former Uchiha Clan Head. He would one day possess the most powerful Chakra and bring about eternal peace!

"Don't forget me! I'll always be there to protect you! … Well, I can't _really_ protect you, but I'll always be there in spirit. Really."

This would be Hell.

 **AN: If you couldn't tell already from the summary and the overall feel, this is a crackfic. This was inspired from Arkham Knight, when a bit of the Joker lives on in Batman. Expect attempts at humor and overall silliness. I suppose it's a bit of commentary on the series as a whole, too, at least through Madara's eyes, but don't get all defensive about it. I still respect the series, but no series is perfect, I'll be the first to admit that. Like another of my fanfics, this one will be updated irregularly; but it'll be fun for me to write, so I hope you get some enjoyment from reading it, too.**

 **Also, because this is meant to be lighthearted don't expect a Hashirama that tries to talk Madara out of certain actions. I could have made this a serious idea but I'm not going to because I need something like this for some downtime from my more serious fics. I got enough 'serious' fanfics with TToNU and JCA:A, I don't need yet another one to add to the pile. To be fair, Hashirama** _ **is**_ **a bit like this, especially when Tobirama isn't reeling him in. Just not to this extent. No, this is crack!Hashirama and crack!Madara, so don't try applying canon logic to their characters because this story will resist it, at least in regards to how they act. The plot itself will follow the path of canon, more or less.**


	2. Chapter 2

Madara's fingers rhythmically drummed against his leg as he sat hunched over. Years had passed, and despite the number of setbacks, he hadmade progress in searching out the Tailed Beasts. Making the Second Tsuchikage and his protégé know their place had been especially gratifying.

But a Shinobi World War? _Really_? So soon after the conception of the village system? The only damn thing that changed was that instead of clans fighting against one another now _groups_ of clans were warring with one another. And that made information gathering even harder. Beautiful, that was just _beautiful_ …

"You even think sarcastically? You really gotta get out more, Mads."

Perhaps the most infuriating thing that Madara discovered was that Hashirama had granted a Tailed Beast to the Hidden Waterfall. Instead of keeping two Tailed Beasts for the Hidden Leaf, as three of the other Great Five had done, the man was naïve enough to give it away to a _minor village_. As a peace offering. An offering that probably wouldn't work in the long run because they were in the middle of _another war_. A pity that Kakuzu failed to assassinate Hashirama. It really was.

Obviously Tobirama had been slacking on the day that Hashirama had gotten away with that action. As much as Madara absolutely despised the man, he would be among the first to admit that he was very shrewd and sharp-minded. Whatever benefits Hashirama saw in doing this, Tobirama would have realized the very obvious drawbacks for such an endeavor. The sad part was that this same naïve buffoon was the one that curb-stomped him at the Valley of the End.

And wasn't that just depressing?

"If you keep frowning like that, you'll get all wrinkly. Look on the bright side! At least I have grandkiddies now! Too bad you don't have any direct lineage going for you."

Madara wasn't too impressed with Hashirama's attempted deflection. Honestly, he was disappointed in what he was hearing about Hashirama's lineage. The man's children didn't inherit his Wood Style, so the only way that his grandkids would inherit the ability would be if their parents were carriers. And as much as Madara would have _loved_ to settle down with a woman…

"So you play for the other team? … Not that that's wrong or anything in this 'tolerant' age – although between you and me, I think these young'uns have forgotten what the word tolerance really means. I'm sure you'd have plenty of fanboys if you came out of the closet. Maybe some would write stories that pair you and me up?"

Gag. Repress, repress, repress… No breaking of the fourth wall here. Madara Uchiha was _not_ gay. There is simply no woman out there that could meet his expectations. There were no women shinobi in the Clan War Era. The fact that there are 'kunoichi' in this day and age is notwithstanding. All it proves is how far the quality of shinobi has fallen. That was the truth, and Madara was sticking with it.

"I'm sure you would've found a nice Senju woman if you had just sta-"

Aaand back to tuning Hashirama out. The only thing worse than a Senju was a Senju _woman_ … But Hashirama was making him digress all over the place now. Only he could see this Hashirama; that was well-tested by this point and it aggravated Madara to no end. It was really fascinating, considering that they were total opposites and Madara would normally ignore him entirely. All these years together and still Madara hadn't wound up in one of those new-fangled psychiatric wards. Maybe Hashirama was affecting him in a way? He used to have a no-nonsense attitude, he really did. And now, now he was _tolerating_ Hashirama's presence.

And wasn't that a disturbing thought?

"I think our relationship is really maturing here!" The specter beamed at Madara, who only gave a slight twitch in response.

"Don't you have a _wife_?" Madara growled imperceptively. He would keep that tight leash on his emotions… Hashirama would _not_ be taking that from him.

"Sure I do, Mads. You won't even let me see her, though, so I have to settle with keeping you company. Forever!" Hashirama outright giggled at the prospect, and Madara narrowed his eyes further. "I'd really like to see my grandkiddies when they grow a little more, Mads. Even if my main body hasn't done so, I've already decided you're the godfather! Oh, the things you'll teach those kids…"

"Like how to die slowly and painfully?" was Madara's snarky reply. He smirked viciously as it was Hashirama's turn to frown. "I'm perfectly able and willing to teach them that… Or maybe rebellion against their clan and village?"

"While I'm glad you're finally opening up to me, your attempts at humor need work, Mads. As powerful as you are, you know that my main body would curb-stomp you again if you set foot in the village. You've had your priorities straight so far: Focus on staying alive. You're brooding for two now. You don't want to die, I don't want to die. We click, Mads. Cliiick."

Well now, there was an option if Madara was ever truly desperate enough to escape this torment. He'd just get Hashirama to engage him in one last battle, and that would be that… But then again, he had a higher purpose ever since he read that tablet. Admittedly he was currently making very little progress, but…

And besides, Hashirama was tolerable once every blue moon. Perhaps the most entertaining thing Hashirama had done was give a eulogy for his brother when he learned of the man's demise a week or so ago. Not that he would admit that. Madara would take the fact that he had secretly smiled during that eulogy to his grave.

"Oh, you want an encore, Mads? All righty then." Hashirama cleared his throat, much to Madara's chagrin. He made a sweeping motion with his right arm. "Dear friends… Today is the day the avenger cried!

Madara merely gave a deadpan stare at the opening line. He hadn't cried since Izuna's death. Hashirama continued undeterred.

"And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy! For it was Tobirama Senju that made Madara Uchiha the happy, well-adjusted soul he is today! Oh, how Mads and I _agonized_ over the perfect way to thank him for that! Perhaps with a Tailed Beast Bomb to the face. Or an Uzumaki-style explosive tag, playfully planted on his chair in the Hokage's office.

Madara couldn't deny that either of those options would have been very… very… satisfying…

"But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly, despicable Kinkaku Squad of the Hidden Cloud. The cowardly, insignificant gonifs that probably got lucky when Tobirama forgot he could use the Flying Thunder God on all of them! Those mounds of _diseased_ deer filth that're not fit to lick the dirt from my sandals…!

Hashirama coughed awkwardly at Madara's raised eyebrow.

"But I digress… The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles! And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we capture every single Kinkaku Squad member… arrange them in a single file line… and chop off their heads with Mads' Susano'o!"

Madara could only stare at the crazed look in Hashirama's eyes and the crazed twitching of his hands. And the Hidden Leaf thought _he_ was the unhinged one. They'd never lived with an unrestrained Hashirama Senju, obviously. Still, he hadn't been Hashirama's best friend for nothing; he could at least share some of these sentiments. Tobirama's death had been much too lenient…

Nevertheless, it would be many more years before another development took place. Madara grew old – and wrinkly, as Hashirama pointed out at any chance he got. The First Shinobi World War ended, and a Second World War was on the horizon. But finally, one day…

"Well, would you look at that? We did it, buddy! Super Sage Eyes, go!"

As Hashirama gave him a thumbs-up, Madara wondered what the hell he was talking about… Until he got a good look at his reflection in a mirror not too far away. Standing up and hobbling over quickly to ensure his eyes weren't playing tricks, Madara touched the glass softly as he gazed at his eyes in the reflection. Purple, a ringed pattern… It was the _Rinnegan_ …

"Mads, put that thing away! That will traumatize small children!"

Madara did not drop the shit-eating grin. A grin that did _not_ belong on an old man's face. But Madara cared not one bit. Ohhh, he was back on track for the Infinite Tsukuyomi… It was time to see what these babies could do!

 **It's Labor Day weekend, what can I say? I was going to save this one for later, but I feel like getting it out now. I'm in the middle of the next chapter. Another time jump, a rather significant one… Isn't this fun, kiddies? I'm having fun. :D**

 **JohnPeaceKeeper: Imagine Black Zetsu's shock and how disturbed he'll be, considering he personally selected Madara to bring about his mother's resurrection. This guy isn't just any other Uchiha – no, no, no. This guy thinks he can see and hear his former best friend. :D At least Mads is opening up. A little. Hardly noticeable. Hahaha.**


	3. Chapter 3

Many years flew by. Madara was none too pleased to be hindered by the effects of old age. Yet it was not as if he were completely powerless; soon after awakening the Rinnegan, Madara had summoned the husk of the Ten-Tails from its prison on the moon. He then took as much of Hashirama's DNA as he could and surgically implanted it into the base of the Gedo as part of an experiment.

"Gotta say, while I was totally grossed out watching that, I appreciate the symbolism, buddy! I will always support you, whether you want me to or not!"

… An interesting side-effect occurred as a result. Countless humanoid creatures sprouted from the Gedo on branchlike constructs. So like any good savior of the world, Madara cut a number of them down from their branches and personally inspected them. Some were defective, good for nothing. But a great many were capable of independent thought and had the peculiar yet useful ability of travelling through the earth. Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of these white, mostly green-haired clones was their personalities.

Damn Hashirama's DNA. Damn it to hell. He'd inadvertently gone and created an army of Hashirama Senju, even if they lacked his power, which was the most important aspect to him.

"They're _nothing_ like me! _Nothing_! Some of them are totally single-minded! Like the one that can't stop asking about defecation… or the one that's constantly in the corner, chattering about world domination. Thank kami he's the only one… The absolute last thing we need is an army of Madara. Am I right or am I right, Mads?"

Yes, Project Tsukuyomi looked like it had been about to fail in Madara's waning years, even with the achievement of the Rinnegan. So as one of his final acts before confining himself to a cave for the rest of his days, Madara had gone and bestowed his Rinnegan to a newborn near the middle of the Second Shinobi World War. The child would need instruction when he got older, but Madara had this inkling that he wouldn't live for very much longer…

"By the way, I'm still trying to figure out how you carried out that surgery without Nagato's parents knowing a wrinkly old pedophile was in their house. Oh, wait… That's right. You just plucked his eyes out and crammed your eyes into his sockets. And you put the parents under a Genjutsu while you did it. I'm glad there are standards for Medic-nin, 'cause you'd make a terrible one!"

He would need a successor, Madara knew this. A _real_ successor. Anything could happen as the Nagato brat grew up; he might develop an ideology that clashed with his own. Heaven help if the brat inherited that Will of Fire crap… Damn Hashirama. If he had a successor in the wings, Madara could die happy knowing that the brat would be taught the harshness of reality, and that he would inevitably be resurrected one day.

Suffice to say, only an Uchiha would do. Though he held a grudge against his clan for turning their backs on him, Madara knew they were the solution to his problem. An Uchiha who knew love but lost it would make for a very powerful shinobi. Just look at how he turned out! With a swipe of his Susano'o's sword, he could level entire mountain ranges. Madara doubted another Uchiha like himself would crop up in this defective and degrading system, but he could still aim for a similar Uchiha and hope for the best.

That's why years later, in the midst of the Third Shinobi World War, Madara found himself sitting before a young boy by the name of Obito. A boy who had a deep-seated love for the village that he and Hashirama formed. Who was known by and large for his acts of kindness to the elderly citizens of the Hidden Leaf. Who saved his teammate from an untimely demise.

Everything had gone according to plan.

"Where… am I…?" A weak voice called out, the boy regaining consciousness on the simple bed Madara had placed him in. Madara hovered over his bedside.

"At the crevasse between your world and the next… Young Uchiha…" Madara intoned in a decrepit voice. Oh, how he loathed growing old…

Hovering beside Madara, Hashirama developed a thoughtful expression as he sat cross-legged.

"You're gonna make this kid wet himself. It won't even take five minutes. C'mon, I'll wager it! … If I had money on me…"

Obito seemed to blink in confusion for a moment, swearing he heard someone else's unintelligible voice just now, but nobody else was in his immediate line of sight so the boy gave up on that endeavor. Then the boy's single eye widened in realization.

"Your eye…! Could it be that… you're an Uchiha, too…?"

Hashirama whistled.

"This boy's sharp as a tack, Mads! Sharp. As. A. Tack. … Then again, it doesn't take excellent deductive skills when you're practically in the brat's face…"

"Who knows…" Madara gave a nonanswer. Hashirama waved his arm enthusiastically. Damn un-aging figment of the imagination…

"… You said we were between this world and the next… Where am I? It's dark, I can't see well… And anyway, old man… Who are you…? Heh! Do you happen to be a Shinigami? The ones that take you to either Heaven or Hell…" Obito froze as he caught sight of the kama that Madara was leaning on. Madara shot a side glare at Hashirama, who looked like he was trying and failing to hold in his giggles. Crap… just what he needed… an Uchiha that acted like Hashirama. The sickle seemed to gleam as Obito's eye widened comically. "WAAAH! I don't wanna die! HELLLP! I saw the scythe! You're definitely a Shinigami! A Shinigami that targets Uchiha! My motto so far has been to help old people! It's true that I also did a few bad things and broke the rules, but I think all in all it was even! Please spare me from Hell!"

Hashirama was on his backside by this point, rolling in laughter.

"This one's a keeper, Mads!" Hashirama wheezed out with tears pricking at his eyes. "Oh kami. Kid, regale us with some of those times you broke the rules! I swear I can hear Mads' sanity snapping already!"

Imperceptibly, Madara twitched. He would not respond out loud… He would not respond out loud… Madara Uchiha was sane. Madara Uchiha was _normal_.

"Pfft. Says the guy that summoned a moon statue and made a tree grow out of it! And then went and poached a kid with the intent of molesting and brainwashing him." Hashirama giggled. Madara refused to reply to that, too.

"You feel pain… because you're still alive." Madara grumbled. The irritation in Madara's voice did not go unnoticed by Obito. "However, it's a miracle that you're alive. I don't know how that rock didn't crush you," Hashirama coughed off to the side. "… It's almost as if you were able to slip away from it."

Hashirama rolled his eyes.

"Or like those not-me's pulled him under…"

"Where was I?" Obito couldn't help but ask.

"You were lying in my underground passage… next to the rock." Madara answered smoothly. Hashirama snorted.

"Bad Mads, lying to an impressionable child! Bad!" Hashirama twitched when he realized he didn't have a squirt bottle in hand. … Sometimes it just sucked being a ghost…

"But half your body was crushed, indeed. Though I did treat you."

"So you saved me?" Obito asked uncertainly. "… Thank you."

"Don't encourage him!" Hashirama roared, shaking a fist at the boy. "Mads needs to wean _off_ molesting on small children!"

"It's still too early to thank me… because you'll have to repay the debt." Madara allowed a small smirk at Hashirama's expressed frustration. Sometimes it was the small things in life… "You said that your motto was to help old people, right?"

'Well yeah, that's true, but… well… what do you need?" Obito seemed hesitant about this, but it _was_ his motto. When Madara didn't reply, Obito trailed off uncertainly. "Take care of… your lower parts…?"

Hashirama gagged and retched off to the side. A small chuckle escaped Madara's lips, unsettling the teenager before him. Madara narrowed his eye as he reined himself in.

"Not really…" He smirked again when Hashirama thanked Kami for small mercies.

"Sorry, but I can't stay here too long. If I'm alive then I need to get back to the Leaf! There's a war going on now. I finally awakened the Sharingan… now I'll be able to protect my friends!"

Hashirama's eyes widened as he waved his hands wildly in front of him.

"Brat… Brat! Don't go there! You're gonna set off Mads, and when he starts..."

"Protect your friend…" Madara scoffed.

"What?" Obito demanded to know what was so wrong about that.

"With that body… you can't go back to being a shinobi…"

Needless to say, Obito did not take this well. Hashirama moved to cut him off, but as usual it did no good.

"Wait, wait, wait! I finally… finally got my hands on these eyes! Now I'm confident that we can work better together. I will be able to become a shinobi that can protect his…"

"Look at reality," Madara cut him off sharply. He would nip this problem in the bud early on. He did _not_ need another Hashirama clone. An Uchiha that acted like Hashirama was _unacceptable_. "This world is full of things that don't go as you wish…"

Hashirama sighed theatrically as Madara delved right into his planned speech. He'd been forced to hear the rehearsals, and they were _maddeningly_ boring…

 _'What's with this old man…?'_ Obito thought to himself with a deadpan expression on his face. Hashirama moved over to him to pat him on the shoulder.

"There, there… I'm sure we can drive Mads insane together! Hopefully before you snap, too. All three of us will be insane! Won't that be splendid, brat?"

"So where am I?" Obito tried to cut into Madara's lecture. There was that unintelligible voice again…

"There were people that were saved because you got wounded… isn't that true?"

Hashirama palmed his forehead.

"Smooth, Mads… Real. Smooth. He's gonna figure out you know too much now…"

"What the hell are you going on about?! I don't want to stay here forever. Just…" Obito grunted in pain. Hashirama stared at the stupid, stupid boy.

"… Or not…"

"If you want to leave, do it. If you can move, of course." As if to mock the boy, Madara stood up slowly and hobbled over to a chair that sat below the Gedo Statue, leaning his sickle against the chair.

Hashirama could hear the gears turning in what he considered to be the boy's pea-sized brain. It wasn't fun if it all went Madara's way, damn it! He wanted entertainment!

"Old man… are you a missing-nin? Who are you?!" Obito demanded to know.

"I'm… a ghost of the Uchiha." Madara muttered tiredly. Hashirama comically shook a fist at the old geezer, cursing quite colorfully. "Madara Uchiha."

Obito gaped at the old man.

"By Madara you mean… my ancestor Madara Uchiha?!"

"Nooo," Hashirama sarcastically replied. "We're talking about your pet goldfish named Madara Uchiha. _Of course we're talking about your ancestor_!"

"Madara should be dead by now!" Obito roared. "We're talking about a faraway era!"

Hashirama moved to strangle the boy, failing miserably.

"You little brat…! If Mads dies, I die! C'mere you little…"

Madara chose to go back to ignoring Hashirama.

"So for you… it's more believable if I say that I'm a Shinigami? In a way, you could say that I'm a Shinigami indeed… because this reality is Hell." Madara's lips thinned as he shot a single Sharingan glare at Hashirama. Not that Obito could see the abomination. The brat probably thought he was being glared at… not that Madara cared. He could be petty when he wanted to. "I escaped death… and if I don't keep on absorbing Chakra from that statue… I'll die right away."

It took Obito a great deal of effort, but he forced himself out of the bed he was in.

"I'm going home!" Obito collapsed rather pitifully before he could even get on his feet. Hashirama toed him with his boot.

"You tell him! Yeah!"

"Give up… there are no exits here. And anyway, neither you nor I are able to leave this place… with our bodies. If you move, Hashirama's artificial body that I stuck to you will be ripped off… do you want to die?"

Hashirama adopted a panicked expression.

"What?! But that's the best part of his body!" He paused mid-exclamation. "… Wait. We decided that was _not_ me. Bad Mads!"

Obito continued to struggle on the ground, using his chin to move around. For a while, Hashirama and Madara watched in companionable silence as the boy suicidally moved around.

"There are quite a few things I want you to do for me from now on… After all, I saved you. Don't be eager to die."

"What do you want?!" Obito yelled hoarsely. "What does an old geezer like you want to do with a boy?!"

Hashirama shuddered at that.

"Brat… You don't want to know…"

"I want to change the fate of this world." Madara replied simply. "A world of winners. A world of peace. A world of love. I'll make a world of just that."

"Never mind the fact that that's impossible…" Hashirama grumbled, crossing his arms. "What about the losers, the warmongers, and the haters? Do they get a world, too?" Hashirama's eyes widened comically as Madara's Sharingan glare was on him again. "Er… Go Mads? Ehehehe…"

"I couldn't care less…!" Obito continued his vain efforts. "I just… wanna go back to where the others are!"

"As I told you, here things don't go as you wish. One day you will realize, too…" Madara seemed to briefly consider changing tactics. "You can die, if you really want. But I'll get your Sharingan."

"Why do you want my eye?! You already have a Sharingan yourself!" Obito pointed out. Hashirama coughed awkwardly.

"No… I left my real eyes to someone else." Madara said as he moved to brush away his hair from the right side of his face. "This is just a spare I implanted afterward… I'd be glad to have a few extra ones. I still don't have a right eye… You need to have both eyes to awaken their full potential."

Hashirama moved to stand in Obito's line of sight, but again failed miserably… Only Madara could see and hear him, truly. Although… the brat did seem to show occasional signs that he _might_ be hearing his voice, and that was comforting enough to Hashirama. Now he could keep _two_ Uchiha company!

"Maybe these next several months won't be so bad after all!" Hashirama beamed. He laughed uproariously. For whatever reason, Obito felt a subconscious urge get the fuck out of dodge.

Madara twitched violently. Death was looking more and more inviting...

 **Author's Note:**

 **Longer chapter! Hope you enjoyed. I had most of this finished already, and thought I should just complete it now. I'd say that there's just a couple of more chapters left for this one… and then there's the sequel. I think you all know how this one will end… XD**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Callian31: Mark Hamill's the best. :D**

 **Guest: Perhaps. It's a hilarious concept nonetheless. Even in all of his seriousness, Madara's got a sassy side… "No, children are impatient things." I dunno. Anything's possible. :D**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Thanks! I thought Mads needed some torture… er, I mean a friend. Yes. Part of the problem with Tobirama is that Kishimoto might have been working out what he specialized in; Tobirama claiming to have created both the Hiraishin and the Shadow Clone Jutsu didn't seem very genuine on his part, but that's me. I'll allow it… for now. lol**


	4. Chapter 4

Contrary to Hashirama's hopes, he did not get to entertain two Uchiha during Obito's recuperation period. Madara made damn sure of that. If Obito was going to be his successor, then he would do so as sanely as possible.

He could not be sane if he was randomly hearing Hashirama's voice.

So Madara feigned sleep while young Obito recuperated. Poor Madara could not actually sleep, however, because he had come across a horrifying discovery… He didn't know how, and he didn't know why, but _somehow_ being connected to the Gedo Statue and the Tree was not such a good thing for him after all. Oh, it kept him alive, but it was a _tree_ he was connected to.

… More or less.

In other words, Hashirama's apparition was gaining in power all these years he'd been connected to the Gedo Mazo. And he hadn't said a word because he thought it was _funny_. To the insane Senju, it would be _hilarious_ to take over Madara's body and wreak havoc. But now that Madara was keeping Hashirama away from the impressionable brat… Hashirama had little else to do beyond chatter away annoyingly at Madara. So he threatened to take over Madara's body the second he went to sleep. Which in all seriousness was quite terrifying to Madara; Hashirama in control of his body would only ruin his plans to save the world.

"Doh, it's okay, Mads. We'll take turns. You do a little, ooh, I dunno, molesting over good ol' Obito, and then I'll do some hit-and-runs with the Gedo Statue. I promise, I'll hand control of your body right back when my turn's done!"

… So he could not sleep, and he could not interact with little Obito. At all. Lest Hashirama drive the brat insane, too. Hashirama was very capable of driving a man insane; like that one time he had asked a Zetsu to keep him awake no matter the cost… Hashirama had 'overshadowed' the Zetsu clone and serenaded him.

Serenaded. Him.

That was one experience he could have gone to the grave without. And now the bastard was at it again.

"Rock-a-bye Mads, I'm getting free. Soon you'll be the one trapped inside me! So keep drooping your eyes, take a load off. Soon Mads will be gone, and I will be here."

Madara twitched his bloodshot eye at the apparition before him. That had to be the single scariest lullaby ever. Period. No. Exclamation point. That did _not_ help things. That couldn't be further from helping things.

But. But, but, but. His torment was almost over. Young Obito was just about ready to leave the cave. And then… Then it would just be a little longer before he could rest in peace until the final stage of the Infinite Tsukuyomi!

"Don't talk like that! I know what you're planning, Mads, and it ain't gonna work! You still have a while to wait, while _I_ only need you to lose control even for a _second_! You don't even need to fall asleep at this point, all I need is…"

An urgent voice suddenly echoed throughout the cave.

"I've been outside! Those Rin and Stupid Kakashi people you were talking about are in danger!"

Madara blinked as he suddenly found himself seemingly outside his body – that was the only way he could describe it, really, because there seemed to be a layer of 'Hashirama' over it now. Well. At least in his eyes; from the looks of it, it was all a hallucination or an illusion because Obito didn't seem to notice.

Basically, they'd switched places. All because he was sleep-deprived and indeed all it took was some kind of distraction for Hashirama to take over. Which was unfair because it was _his_ body. Damn Hashirama…

"… Are you going…?" Hashirama asked Obito, who had apparently just channeled the Gedo Statue's power to shatter the boulder that sealed off the cave they were in.

"I thank you for saving me. … But I'm going! I need to go!" Obito declared in a determined voice.

From Madara's point of view, Hashirama's visage appeared rather grim. Hashirama _was_ capable of being serious, after all, and this _was_ a child that was about to lose his innocence…

"You're being too hasty… It might be too early to thank me…"

"I don't think I'll come here again. At least I thanked you. … I'm going!"

"You _will_ come back here…" Hashirama declared in a tone that left no room for argument, much to Madara's surprise. "… and that time you will thank me sincerely…"

Madara watched as Obito ignored the prophecy and had the White Zetsu lead him to his former teammates. Once the boy was gone, he turned back to Hashirama, who was fingering (his!) dark blue cloak and running a hand through (his!) hair.

"You kept to the script…" Madara couldn't help but feel impressed. Hashirama sooo could've screwed everything here and now…

Hashirama offered a lopsided grin.

"That boy is going to have just as many issues as you do, Mads… How could I deprive the world of that?"

Madara stared twitchily at the insane Senju… stared, and stared, and stared. And stared some more. Twitchily.

"On the contrary, that boy…"

"Will be the 'savior of the world', blah, blah, blah!" Hashirama grinned widely and leaped to his feet. … An action that was highly inadvisable. "Whoops! There goes the back…"

Even Madara cringed at the clearly audible snapping of bones that came with that abrupt action. Not because it hurt Hashirama… no, no, no. Hashirama's _neck_ needed to be snapped… preferably nine times. No, he cringed because _he_ would be the one feeling that when Hashirama relinquished control of his body.

Foolish hallucination/body snatcher.

"… I must insist you give me back my body." Madara said in that flat, old fogey tone of his. Damn he hated old age…

"Can't do that, Mads! Gotta do something first."

Madara twitched violently.

"What could you possibly…"

"You molested Obito for a while, now I get to do some hit-and-runs with the Gedo Statue." Hashirama cut him off with an amused expression. Madara could naught but stare flatly at his hated enemy.

"What."

"Don't worry! I'll plow through a few small villages and it'll be your turn again!"

" **What**."

* * *

Madara could not believe Hashirama had actually done that… What the _hell_ was that bastard thinking?!

Or… _not thinking_ in this case…

"In fairness, I think your little Uchiha Curse shtick is affecting me, too, Mads. It's a two-way street – my DNA helped you awaken the Rinnegan, and you, ohhh… helped give my DNA _perspective_. Life's much more fun when you throw caution to the wind!

Perspective? Is **that** what he calls running through seven small villages like the Gedo Statue was running a marathon?! The White Zetsu just wouldn't stop asking him what that was all about, either! It was very out of character for him, taking the Gedo Statue out for a 'joyride'. Hashirama would suffer for this…

"Doh, don't be like that, Mads. There's sooo much fun to be had out there! Think about it, all those heads to smash, all those bones to break! It's like the world's one giant battlefield, and you're just asserting your dominance over _everyone_!

… Where the hell was Obito? He was… he was done. Hashirama was irritably bearable without the Gedo Statue attached to him like life support, and now he was just… just… Madara couldn't take it anymore. He was old, he was tired, and Hashirama _wasn't helping_!

"Y'know, I couldn't help but notice you have this annoying voice in the back of your head, Mads… While I was having my little joyride, this really raspy, angry voice kept asking what the hell I was doing. And I'm not talking about you. I don't like it. That voice is getting in the way of our friendship, Mads! There's only room for you and me in here!"

Madara honestly didn't know what the hell Hashirama was talking about... and at this point he just didn't care. He would argue against Hashirama's 'place' in his head… but it looked like Obito was finally back. Time to go to work and create a perfect little pawn!

* * *

"Mads, I'm concerned about that Black Zetsu fellow. He sounds just like that naggy voice that was trying to stop my little joyride!"

 _'Were you not_ listening _, Hashirama? Black Zetsu is my Will, existing for the sole purpose of…'_

"For the sole purpose of manipulating you!" Hashirama cut him off. "Haven't you ever wondered how you have such an intimate knowledge of the Rinnegan, Mads? I'm tellin' ya, this guy's been feeding you information from day one! Like an evil court jester, whispering in your ear!"

 _'I worked out the Rinnegan all by myself.'_ Madara inwardly sniffed haughtily. After all, he had to keep up appearances to the very end. He was that genius that comes along… Wait a minute. No, he was no longer simply that 'once a century genius'. That was far too modest of him… No, by unlocking the Rinnegan and its secrets, he was **God**. _Of course_ he had puzzled out the inner workings of the Rinnegan. He'd kept some secrets to himself, like Limbo, so that if Obito actually _did_ turn against him, he'd have an ace or two up his sleeve… Never mind the fact that to turn against him all Obito had to do was not resurrect him. No, Madara firmly ignored that very real possibility. Obito had the _Curse Seal_ upon his heart. Yes. He'd given Obito his sacred mission, trained him, and had now given the brat a superior/consultant. After all, left to his own devices, Obito could screw up _everything_ … Which is why… _'We're done, Hashirama. Nothing you say will change the fact that I have accomplished everything I set out to do.'_

"Oh, Kami, you're delusional…" Hashirama grumbled. He'd be among the first to admit he was a little crazy being cooped up in Mads's head, but c'mon! Madara was buying the honey-laced lies of a voice in the back of his head that clearly wasn't his, was putting his faith in a brat that quite frankly lost the love of his life and would probably turn against Mads on that fact alone whenever he found out… and after all that, not only did Madara believe he could manipulate Obito, he believed he was at the friggin' top of the pecking order!

Moron.

There was a strange tearing sound as Madara severed his connection to the Gedo Statue, cutting off Hashirama from his ruminations and making his eyes as big as saucer plates.

"Mads, wait!"

Madara, finally free to die, rasped harshly as he sat down and looked at Obito.

"Now, go… until the time I am revived…"

It took a few moments, but Obito did eventually turn around and leave the cave. Hashirama was wildly gesticulating with his arms as Madara sat on his throne in his final moments.

"Don't you head towards the light, Mads! They'll never let me in!"

A ghost of a smile appeared on Madara's lips despite the immense pain he was in.

"They would… spit you out of Hell, bastard… not even the deepest pits would take you…"

"Will I be rejoined with the rest of my Chakra?! Will we stay together like two peas in a pod?! _Just what will happen to me_?!" Hashirama bellowed, clearly distressed about his own situation. Madara had to say… it served the bastard right. After all the shit he had to put up with over the years… In the end, though, Hashirama dramatically sighed and crumpled to the ground. "So… this is the end… Oh, I always knew I'd be there when you died, Mads. I just didn't know I'd be in your head."

Madara ceased listening to Hashirama's drivel at this point. This was it. His death. Sweet death would purge him of Hashirama's influence and reunite him with Izuna… a fine way to spend his afterlife until he was brought back to initiate the Infinite Tsukoyomi.

And then a horrifying thought occurred to Madara… He had replaced half of that brat Obito's body with White Zetsu… which was basically just a clone of Hashirama… Would that mean... that the brat would have his own Hashirama apparition…?! It is at this moment that Madara passes away, with the most horrified expression on his face.

Hashirama could still ruin _everything_ …

* * *

 **Author's Note: Well, that's the end of this one. Perhaps a bit lackluster, but honestly, it was always going to end this way. There're plans for a sequel – I think you know what that will entail – and even perhaps an interlude, alluded to at the end here. However, for now this is the end of Madara and Hashirama's grand adventures. Perhaps it's not done all that well, but I certainly had fun. Hope y'all had a chuckle or two. ^^**

 **Review Replies:**

 **Duesal Bladesinger: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed at least most of this. :D**

 **Black' Victor Cachat: Yeah… I kinda wanted bits of canon in here, even if that runs contrary to the crackfic feel of it all. Basically, if the story twisted canon too much, it couldn't poke fun at some of the elements… like I did with BZ here. No dialogue from him, just Hashirama noting BZ's influence where it should not be… and Madara is completely oblivious to it because 'he is God'. lol BZ probably pulled off manipulating Madara very well actually, but the 'voice in the back of his head' thing kinda stuck out to me. Makes for great crackfic material. :D**


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